


The Monster Behind The Visor

by FanGirlFreak16



Series: Peridot's Anxiety [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Cuddles, Dark Past, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internal Conflict, Lapis Lazuli - Freeform, Nightmares, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe), Panic, Panic Attacks, Past, Peridot - Freeform, Peridot Has An Anxiety Disorder (Steven Universe), Peridot Redemption, Pining, Pumpkin - Freeform, Regret, Sad Peridot, Sleep, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Why do I do this, guilty, guilty peridot, i'm too tired for this, it's two in the morning, lapidot - Freeform, lapidot angst, lapis lazuli sleeps, no editor, old peridot, one sided lapidot, one sided pining, panicked peridot, peridot abused, peridot crying, peridot feels like a monster, peridot has a nightmare, peridot has a panic attack, peridot might have ptsd, peridot sleeps, peridot was abused, peridot's tape recorder, poor Peridot, regretful peridot, scared peridot, sleeping, smol bean, smol peridot, snuggles, yellow diamond was abusive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24785035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanGirlFreak16/pseuds/FanGirlFreak16
Summary: But the chants kept going on until all that was left was a million voices yelling, "You're a monster!"."I'm not," Peridot denied, shaking her head. "I'm not a monster. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!"Peridot has her first nightmare and experiences her first panic attack. Alone.
Relationships: Amethyst & Peridot (Steven Universe), Garnet & Peridot (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli & Peridot (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe), Pearl & Peridot (Steven Universe), Peridot & Pumpkin (Steven Universe), Peridot & Steven Universe
Series: Peridot's Anxiety [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1808554
Comments: 5
Kudos: 55





	The Monster Behind The Visor

**Author's Note:**

> This fic delves deeper into the nightmare that I shortly depicted in my fic Log Date: 7 46 2. Reading that fic is not required to understand this one, but I do recommend reading it whether that's before or after you read this one. Also, I headcanon that Peridot requires her visor in order to see adequately. Basically, I see that they function the same as a regular pair of prescription glasses. This fic is set before the episode Raising The Barn. Hope you enjoy!

Peridot had become accustomed to sleep. Ever since Steven had pushed and pushed for her to learn how to perform the seemingly strange ritual, Peridot participated in the refreshing activity nearly nightly just as Steven and Lapis did. Though, she did admit that it seemed like an extreme waste of time, she couldn't help but love the feeling of sleep. So when she started to nod off in the hammock with Lapis, she knew that it was time for her to get up and go to her room to sleep. However, she didn't want to move.

"Peridot?" Lapis said gently, shaking Peridot's shoulder a bit. Peridot hummed in acknowledgement, alerting Lapis that she was heard. "I think it's time for us to both head to bed. You're dozing off, and it's late."

Peridot groaned due to the small inconvenience. She could honestly stay in that position for an eternity. On top of Lapis's warm body, the hammock swinging back and forth softly underneath the star speckled sky, listening to the deep breaths of the other. She would get a slight pang of pain when she thought like that. She knew her feelings were not reciprocated, but a gem could dream, couldn't they? "Five more minutes?" She pleaded, though her voice was slightly muffled since her face was buried in Lapis's clothes.

Lapis let out a small chuckle. "If I give you five more minutes, you're going to fall asleep, and I don't want to carry you to your room."

"Hmph," Peridot slowly sat up, rubbing at her eyes. "I'm not that big, y'know. You could carry me."

Lapis smirked. "I know I can, I never said I couldn't. I just said I didn't want to."

Peridot grumbled as she carefully got down from the hammock in order to keep it from tipping Lapis out. "You're lucky I'm too tired to unleash my unbridled rage." Her statement earned an eye roll from the water gem. Lapis followed in suit once Peridot was fully out of the hammock, although she didn't have to get out with quite as much care as Peridot had. Regardless of that, the way she seemed to elegantly raise from the hammock was enough to send a rough pitter patter in her chest. Her face began to illuminate in teal. She could feel the warmness rising to her cheeks and began to inwardly panic. She took a step back from Lapis, hoping the color change wouldn't be noticeable.

"Ah, yes, I'm terrified by your so called unbridled rage." Lapis joked as she stood and stretched her arms, eyes closed. This of course, didn't help Peridot's blush die down. _I'm not becoming corrupt, am I,_ Peridot wondered for a moment? _These feelings are so foreign but recurrent. I'll have to consult Garnet about them._

The two walked up the stairs of the barn to the second floor where their bedrooms resided, Lapis's on the left and Peridot's on the right. While Lapis rambled on about things Peridot wasn't hearing, Peridot was lost in her own thoughts. Her feelings had been occurring for longer than she had previously thought they would. The first time she had noticed them she did her best to ignored the feelings and believed they would go away on their own. _It's been months,_ she thought. _When will these feelings go away? Will they go away? What if they never go away? What if I'm becoming corrupt? Is this what it feels like to become corrupt?_

"Peridot?" Lapis's voice being raised brought Peridot out of her tangled mess of thoughts.

"Hm?"

"I've been saying your name for a minute. Are you alright?" Lapis looked genuinely concerned which caused the fluttering sensation to occur once again in Peridot's chest.

"Y-Yes, just fine." Peridot stuttered out, trying to keep herself from staring at the water gem in front of her. Thankfully for her, Lapis seemed to take that answer without further question before bidding Peridot a goodnight and heading to her designated bedroom. Peridot lingered in the opening between their bedrooms for a couple of minutes, staring at the spot Lapis had just left vacant. Her thoughts were jumbled yet again, but she managed to pull herself out of it and head to her bedroom. Her bedroom was rather simple. A couple posters that portrayed the little green men that Steven called "aliens", a desk, a telescope, and a pile of blankets that served as her bed. Steven had offered to get her a more comfortable place to sleep, but Peridot had turned down the offer. She enjoyed her little bundle of blankets and found them rather comfortable and soothing. They lied underneath the part of the ceiling that was closest to the part of the ceiling that closed off her room. Therefore, the space was small.

Peridot had a love for small spaces which could be proven through her stay in Steven's bathroom and her making the drill pod much too small for everyone else to fit in. She had learned early on at Homeworld that the smaller the room you could squeeze yourself into, the less people that could potentially come in and hurt you. She could also partially blame her love of small rooms on Yellow Diamond. Yellow Diamond's throne room was a very spacious area that would almost never contain more than Yellow Diamond, her pearl, and occasionally one other gem. Peridot also knew that if you were called to Yellow Diamond's throne room that that would inevitably mean that you were going to be-

She tensed at the memories, ghost pains haunting her body. "No," She spoke aloud to herself, "that's over with now." She crossed her arms over each other, opposite hands gripping opposite shoulders. She shut her door behind her with her back, eyes staring at the slanting ceiling of her room. She usually did whatever it took to keep those memories away, but tonight her attempts seemed to fail her. The way she blindly followed someone who had no feelings for her followers. The way that mistakes, no matter how big or small, were always punished. The way the gem destabilizer felt placed directly against her gemstone. The reprimanding look of yellow diamond. The feeling of large bruises that would last for months that would be displayed on her body for everyone to see and know that she had screwed up once again. Being beat over and over again, knowing that if she poofed she would be shattered immediately under the foot of Yellow Diamond.

But there was always an excuse in her head for why such things happened.

_Yellow Diamond's perfect, she's just trying to correct my imperfections._

_This will help me learn to be better for my diamond._

_I made a terrible mistake._

_I deserve it._

Peridot shook her head, gripping her hands tightly around it. "I'm safe now." Once the thoughts began to subside, she moved to her desk. On top of the desk were several sketches, some of Pumpkin, some of the Crystal Gems, some just of Lapis.

And there was the fluttering in her chest once again.

"Ugh," She groaned. "Can I ever catch a break?"

Peridot trudged to her blanket pile, stooping to her knees so she could curl atop some blankets and cover herself with others. From the blanket bundle, she fished out a tape recorder. Not the one that Steven had originally given her, no Lapis had destroyed that one. This one was new. One that Peridot had created on her own and subsequently kept secret. She didn't need this one destroyed. She needed some sort of outlet for her complex emotions that just seemed to continue to get more and more complex as time went on. She pressed the button on the side and began to speak.

"Log Date: 7 35 2. Lazuli confuses me. As different as the two of us seem to be, she makes me feel things that I've never experienced before. My face gets all flustered, and I feel a strong thumping in my chest.," Peridot sighed and covered her eyes with her arm. "I think I've heard this feeling being talked about in Camp Pining Hearts, but I'm not certain. I'll have to research more on it," She moved her arm so that her hand could run down her face. "Anyway, I'm heading to bed. It's late and everyone else is asleep. And by everyone else, I mean Steven, Lazuli, and Amethyst. I don't know about Pearl or Garnet. I know that Pearl is notorious for staring at Steven while he sleeps. I've caught her doing it, and the event is rather...disturbing," Peridot shuddered at the memory. She was working on leaving Steven's quarters only to witness Pearl staring at a slumbering Steven at the top of the stairs. "To unknowingly have someone watch you while you sleep is terrifying. Peridot, facet five, end log."

Placing the tape recorder next to her blanket pile, Peridot removed her visor and was immediately met with a blurry sight. Though most peridots wore visors, Peridot wasn't sure how many actually hard horrible vision. She, however, was absolutely blind without her visor and required to wear it at all times of sentience. Running her hands over her face, Peridot rolled over on to her side, facing the wall and closed her eyes.

OoOoOoO

Peridot was met with a completely white room. There were absolutely no features to the room. No furniture or colors. A 360 turn had proven that much. However when she had completed her turn, she was met with herself. But it wasn't as if she was looking in a mirror. It was another Peridot that looked exactly like her, gem placement and all. However, this one was complete with limb enhancers.

With uncertainty, Peridot looked up to the other Peridot. "H-Hello?" She wasn't sure what she was expecting for the Peridot to say to her, but she hadn't been expecting her to do the Diamond salute.

"Peridot, facet 2F5L, cut 5XG."

So it was definitely her. But before becoming captured by the Crystal Gems, clearly.

"Peridot!" Came an enraged sounding voice. This caught Peridot's attention quickly and she spun around to meet her old self with Pearl. Pearl was cornered, and old Peridot kept advancing. "Stop this instant! We don't have to do this!"

 _Do what_ , Peridot wondered? _What am I doing?_

Before Peridot could think anything else, she watched as her old self charged up her blast cannon from her limb enhancers. Peridot's stomach dropped. _No._

"Peridot, you monster! L-Listen to me!" Pearl kept trying to reach for something as if she could scale the white wall. But she remained cornered, old Peridot continuously advancing towards her. With a loud shot, Peridot watched as her old self shot Pearl. Peridot was frozen as she watched Pearl's gem shards fall to the floor. Old Peridot blew the remaining steam from her limb enhancer, turning on her heel and not giving Pearl a second thought. Peridot ran to the shards, tears in her eyes.

"No, no, no, no, no! P-Pearl!" Peridot fell to her knees, desperately trying to gather up all of Pearl's shards. "I...I can fix this! It's ok! Y-You'll be ok! I-"

"Peridot!" Another voice yelled.

Peridot turned her head sharply to be met with the same scene as before, except it wasn't Pearl this time. "G-Garnet?"

"Stop right there! You're better than this!" Garnet couldn't seem to hold her weapon out for long before it would glitch away into nothing. Peridot kept advancing, though, blast cannon pointed directly at the fusion.

"Am I though?" Peridot's old version spoke in her cold voice. Peridot's breath hitched as she continued to cradle Pearl's shards. _I am_ , she thought.

"You are! I know you are! Don't be the monster Homeworld taught you to be!" Peridot stood carefully, cradling Pearl's shards in one hand as she began to take steps towards her old self and Garnet. She couldn't believe her eyes. This wasn't really happening, was it?

Old Peridot laughed so maniacally that even Peridot stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh, Garnet," Old Peridot spoke, "don't you see?" She took aim. "I am a monster." And with that, she fired the cannon directly at Garnet.

Peridot covered her mouth with her free hand, tears starting to stream down her eyes. _This isn't happening, this isn't real_. She ran over to the shards of the broken Sapphire and Ruby that made Garnet, tears falling on their shards.

"I...I'm..." She didn't know what to do or what to say. Everything was happening so quickly.

"Woah, dude!"

_No...not-_

"Amethyst!" Peridot yelled, whirling around to be faced with the exact same scene as before. _Can I...stop it?_ Deciding to give it a try, Peridot started running as fast she could, Pearl's gem shards clacking to the ground next to Garnet's. Running full speed towards her old self to try and deter her from shooting Amethyst, Peridot threw herself at her old self. However, instead of pushing herself out of the way, Peridot was in for a much more torturous position. Peridot seemed to have merged with her old self, now having a first person account of the murders of all of her friends, yet having absolutely zero control over the body she seemed to be a part of. She watched in horror as her arm began to charge itself up and take aim. "Amethyst, no!" Peridot sobbed as she tried desperately to free herself from the hold of her old self but to no avail.

Peridot watched as the ammunition from the blast cannon came in contact with Amethyst's gem, shattering her upon impact. Peridot screamed out in anguish and horror as the scene continued to play out in front of her, unable to stop anything from happening.

When the body she seemed to occupy turned to face Steven, Peridot wanted to shatter herself immediately. Between Steven's pleas for Peridot to not shoot him and the sound of the charging blast cannon, Peridot couldn't bring herself to open her eyes. That is until her old self forced her eyes opened. She watched as the ammunition came in contact with Steven resulting in gem fragments and blood everywhere. If Peridot was one for eating, she would have thrown up right then and there. She felt terribly sick and wanted nothing more than for the torture to end. She'd rather have Yellow Diamond place a gem destabilizer directly on her gem again than watch this.

Next, Lapis.

Peridot watched, tears streaming down her face and sobs escaping her mouth all too quickly as the blast cannon was aimed at Lapis. But Lapis didn't look like her loving version. This one looked like the one that Peridot had met when Steven suggested them moving in together.

"I despise you," She said slowly. "I don't care how much you think you've changed! You haven't changed at all! You're still the same monster you were and you always will be!" Peridot tried to yell back to Lapis, but her mouth felt glued shut. She could only look on in sorrow and pain as her barn mate was shattered.

She sobbed and cried, melting down back to her normal height, limb enhancers disappearing. Around her grew transparent versions of Pearl, Garnet, Amethyst, Steven and Lapis. Of which all began to degrade her.

"I hate you!"

"You haven't changed!"

"You're a burden!"

"I should have shattered you when I had the chance!"

Blue chains wrapped around her wrists, and upon looking up she saw Lapis with an evil smirk on her face. Peridot tried to move, but she would be restrained by the chains Lapis kept very tight around her wrists. "Stop!" She pleaded.

"We should take you back to Yellow Diamond! I'm sure she misses her kickball!"

"You'll never be a Crystal Gem!"

"You're a monster!"

The shouts kept closing in on Peridot. Peridot tried to move her hands to her ears so she could lessen some of the noise that she was surrounded by, but Lapis only made the restraints on her chains tighter, making her arms fall down to her sides. "St-Stop! Please!"

But the chants kept going on until all that was left was a million voices yelling, "You're a monster!".

"I'm not," Peridot denied, shaking her head. "I'm not a monster. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!"

OoOoOoO

"I'm not!" Peridot woke with a start, shooting up into sitting position, hands clamped over her mouth tightly. She was drenched in sweat, of which she wasn't aware a gem could do, and tears were already pooling quickly out of her eyes. Her breathing was quick, and she didn't see it stopping anytime soon. She was stuck in a torturous cycle of harsh breathing, strangled sobs, and choking on her own breath. She'd experienced panic before, but never to this degree. _I'm going to shatter_ , she thought in horror, choking on yet another inhale of air.

She moved so she was leaning her back against the wall, hoping that that would change her composure. Back leaning against the wall, Peridot was still in a panicked frenzy, sobs tearing from her throat so harsh that she was scared she'd wake Lapis. _I've got to talk to someone about this, though_ , she thought, moving her hands from her mouth to grip tightly at her hair. _Am I going to even be able to talk? I can barely breathe. Am I going to shatter?_ Her left hand began to tug harder at her hair as her right hand moved down so she could bite on her fingers. She moved her hand from her hair down to the side of her blankets, brushing past her visor and moving until she grasped her tape recorder.

Her hands, shaky as they were, fumbled with the buttons, hitting the wrong ones at first. Log dates from earlier times started to play as if they were mimicking her inability to even start one now, much to her frustration. "C-Cmon," She stuttered, a sob following after it. "P-Please," When she hit the right button, she tried to make the log as normally as possible. "L-Log Date..." _What was the log date? What was the one from a couple of hours ago? Or would it be a different one since it's a new day? Is it a new day? What time did I fall asleep? What time is it? Oh my stars, oh my stars! "_ oh who cares!" So much for making it normal. She had enough issues choking out the words 'log date' and trying to determine what the date truly was. "I-I'll never sleep again! I w-wasn't aware that s-scary pictures could appear!" No one had taught her the concept of nightmares or what the word was. Steven hadn't seen a need to since she hadn't experienced one and was unaware if she would. The only dreams she had ever experienced were of nice things and past memories, nothing that hadn't happened yet. Regardless, the dreams flooded her head over and over again, never letting up. Her sobs grew louder considerably, and her breathing was undoubtedly getting harsher by the second. But she couldn't stop it. She didn't know how. "I'm...I-I'm not a monster!" That awful word rung through her head over and over again. She was a monster, she had long since admitted that, but she's changed now. She wasn't a monster anymore.

"I've changed," She said it more to reassure herself, but even saying it out loud didn't drown out the constant taunts that bounced off the walls of her head. Every word that the Crystal Gems threw at her in her dream were circulating in her mind as if a fog had settled over her head. The thoughts were so deafening that she brought a hand up to her hair and gripped it as hard as she could and pulled. "I've changed, I've changed, I've changed!" She yelled, tears streaming fast down her face. Her breathing began to quicken especially after yelling, and she couldn't slow down. She felt like she was choking, and there was no one around to help her. She was alone, and she couldn't breathe, and she was terrified. "I'm dying, I'm dying!" She cried. She could feel every component of her being strain, and her head throbbed as if her gem had been cracked. With every new sob and breath intake, it felt as if her gem was becoming more and more cracked. "I'm g-going to shatter! C-Can't breathe!"

She pressed harder into the wall, harsh breaths and sobs being emitted from her mouth. Occasionally she'd choke on her breath which would cause even more sobs and more frantic hair tugging, but eventually she got her breath to even out somewhat. She wasn't sure how long it took her as time seemed to be slowed down. It felt as if the sudden attack of panic lasted an eternity, but since no sunlight was coming through the window in her room, she had to conclude that the attack didn't take nearly as long as she felt it had. If she to guess an approximate time, she'd say an hour, but it could have been longer or shorter. Either way, she wasn't certain. With a shaky hand, she brought the tape recorder back up to her mouth.

"I g-guess I should explain," Her voice wasn't nearly as steady as she'd hoped it would be, but it was better than the choked out words that she had had to deal with earlier. "I went to sleep last night l-like I usually do. N-Nothing out of the ordinary. When I fell asleep, instead of g-getting nice pictures and memories, I g-got horrifying pictures. O-Ones that haven't happened," She paused when she said it out loud. _Peridot's don't have visions. That's a Sapphire attribute. It can't possibly be a vision. Then again, Earth has proven to do a plethora of oddities._ "Does that mean it w-will?" The idea brought more short lived panic into her being, but she pushed on in her explanation. "N-Never mind that," She took a deep breath. The pictures showed m-me. B-But it wasn't me! It...It was like old me! But even then, it was worse! I...I had never once thought about shattering the Crystal Gems when I was a servant under the diamond authority, even when I had the opportunity to! I...I only had the intent to p-poof them! But in the pictures, I had my l-limb enhancers back, and I...and I...I shattered them. P-Pearl, Amethyst, G-Garnet, Lazuli, e-even Steven! I-I'd never do that! I'm the g-great and lovable Peridot! And she'd n-never shatter anyone!" In the midst of her vent, she began to cry and breathe heavily once again. Even though she now believed that she'd never had killed anyone, memories of what she'd done to Steven and the Crystal Gems flooded her mind. Her kidnapping Steven, and trapping the Crystal Gems in that old ship and shooting lazers at them while literally saying the word _die_ wasn't helping her own internal argument.

 _I have no right to complain_ , she concluded. _I deserve this._ "I-It's fine. I-I'm fine," Her mouth moved before she actually gave thoughts to her words. She needed words of false motivation. "I-It's fine. I-I'm fine. I-I'd never do something like that! I'm not a monster! I'm not..." _Yes, I am._ With that thought, she pushed herself off of the wall and sat up, unoccupied hand fumbling for her visor before putting it on causing the once fuzzy world to focus into clarity. "I'm never sleeping again." With that, she ended her log, placing the tape recorder to the side of her pile of blankets.

She sighed and looked towards the window that rested on the low part of her wall. It was still rather dark out, so she knew it was late. _How late?_ She stood on shaky legs and walked over to her desk on the opposite side of her room where her tablet sat in company of tons of solved equations. Tapping the home button, the illuminated screen portrayed the numbers _2:23._ She groaned. _This is going to be a long night._ She knew that around the waking hours of the morning, she would be dreadfully tired since her body was used to sleeping even though she didn't need to. _It's going to be difficult to get used to not sleeping again_.

With a rub of her eye, Peridot moved to the telescope that sat underneath her window. The telescope was always left with its trajectory pointed at Homeworld, and though she usually made a daily check at a specified time, she decided an extra one couldn't hurt. She looked through the scope and up to the cracked world that was dubbed Homeworld, the place where dreams and gems died. She was sad to have ever called it her home before, but sometimes she couldn't help it. It's where she grew up. The world gave her life and purpose.

And it took it away just as easily.

But she supposed that it was necessary for her to have gained what she did. New friends, new purpose, new home, a pumpkin. She supposed those were all more meaningful than anything that Homeworld could offer her.

She was broken out of her thoughts when she heard a gentle scratch followed by a soft whimper at her door. Her initial fear from the slight scratch was replaced with relief and fondness when she heard the whimper. She moved the door and opened it to invited the sentient pumpkin into her bedroom. The little pumpkin looked up to her and jumped up to be cradled in her arms much to her surprise. With a playful, yet quiet, bark, Pumpkin nuzzled her head into Peridot's face causing the green gem to giggle. She shut the door to help keep the sound barrier between her and Lazuli stronger.

Seeing Pumpkin's face instilled a nurturing feeling that was not foreign to Peridot. When it came to any of the gems, and of course Pumpkin, she felt a surge of overprotectiveness wash over her being. It was in that moment she knew. "I won't hurt you guys," She said to Pumpkin who continued to look up at her with a wide grin, tongue sticking out. "I'd rather shatter myself than hurt any of you. I'll protect you. No matter what." She planted a soft kiss on the gourd's head before grabbing her tablet and heading back over to her blankets. Although she had no intentions of sleeping, she figured she could at least snuggle with Pumpkin and browse the web.

And she did.


End file.
